Normally I write things that are witty, up-beat, and humorous, or at least sarcastic. Today I am going to leave all that behind and just speak from the heart. My heart. My broken, bitter, frustrated, angry and frightened heart.
My mom has cancer.
Cancer has most of my mom.
It has ravaged and tormented and cut down and melted away one of the most magnificent creatures to ever bless my life and the lives of my family members. But this is my selfish post. It is not about them, or the world. It is about my mom and me. Right now I need it to be about us. Nothing else.
These pictures are old. Her hair is short now and working so hard to grow back. The medicine to save her life does so much damage in the process, it breaks my heart to see and I can't even imagine what she has gone through and continues to go through.
I'm the emotional one in a family of non-emoters. They just "get through it" and "stay positive" and don't talk about the things that my mind wants to scream out loud!
"Why her?!"
(in honest anger) "Why not someone who doesn't mean so much to so many?!"
"Why now?"
"Why, God, why?"
"How much time do we have?"
"Could this take her from us?"
"Does she know how much I love her?"
"Does she know how much she means to me?"
"Does she know I can't live without her?"
"Does she know...?"
"Is this our last holiday as a family?"
"How will I know? Will I know?"
"Why God?"
"I'm angry!"
and in my darkest moments all I can muster up is:
"I hurt"
"This hurts, God"
"I HURT."
As much as I cry out to Him, this is where He has us. I know His heart is breaking for ours. I know He has us here for His beautiful purpose and I have been so amazed my all of His miracles through this journey. I know He is here. I know I could show more calm and peace, but sometimes, the fear and bitterness ensnares my heart and I am wounded and it shows.
My husband is a saint. All the nights he has held me and let me cry myself to sleep as I ask countless questions that there is no way he or anyone could answer.
If I am being completely honest sometimes I resent my friends with healthy parents. It is so ugly, I know. I get so angry I could spit.
"They don't even know!"
"They don't even know what they have!"
"They think their parents will never go through this, they'll see one day and they will know, but how can they know now?"
My heart is so ugly sometimes. That is when I hurt.
Sometimes I feel frantic. Like a cat that is trying to not go in the bathtub. I feel like if I struggle enough - this won't be happening. And over the 3.5 years I have come to realize - this is happening. That HAS happened. Our family is changed. We are different now. We have fractured and reformed and continue to evolve through this process.
I realize how much my mom means to me. I always knew it, but I also always thought she would be there, so I have never shown it. Sometimes I miss her so much even though she is just one streetlight away. Does that even make sense? I miss her! She is still here but I miss her and it completely makes sense to my heart.
I have never appreciated her. The things she gave us, the selfless dedication she always showed to me. The devotion and love that was literally unending. The peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I remember sharing as a little girl. I remember those. The song she would sing that I sing to my own children only now I can't sing it because I cry. All the moments, and minutes, and days and years and decades she spent giving to us and me and I cannot figure out how to tell her thank you. Because it hurts to say out loud that I am afraid I am going to lose you. I'm afraid you won't be here. I can't live without you and I am afraid. So I lay there and listen to her breathe in my parents bed sometimes and we don't say anything and I feel like we know. She knows. But does she?
I hurt.
Each day is new. A new opportunity to say these things and show these things. I am blessed I can still hold her hand and hear her voice. Smell her smell - it's still there. She's still here. I love her.
This is healing to put to words all the manic feelings I have and will probably continue to have. I feel a strange peace from venting all this.
I'm exhausted and puffy eyed and I feel like such a calm has come over me. No more bubbling over with frustration. I let it out.
Don't think I am not happy and blessed and joyous. I am. There is much to be happy about. His mercies are new every morning! But this was my honest blog about the pain and fear. The one where I say the things I hold inside. It is out and I've bared it all. Good bad or indifferent. That is me. That is my darkest moment.
My "total honesty"
We can't wait to watch this little guy grow! He is absolutely perfect in every way! 
